In a bold move of Machiavellian proportion, the BC Conservative Party has injected some much needed humour and levity into a political campaign that was becoming far too dark, depressing – and sinister.

Either utterly brilliant or utterly suicidal.

The Director of Communications and Policy of the BCCP, John Twigg, (himself a former press secretary of the NDP Premier Dave Barrett,  described as a ‘former anarchist’ in a recent 2015 book entitled ‘The Art of the Impossible: Dave Barrett and the NDP in Power’ and more recently a confirmed contributor to both the NDP and John Horgan) has proudly unveiled (or should I say unleashed?) the first of the BCCP policy initiatives.  Twigg indicated that the BCCP will issue one plank per day so that there is perhaps enough material to build and float the BCCP boat with a couple of weeks to spare before the actual election.

The first surrealistic plank floating forlornly in the BCCP policy swamp is the idea that a new ferry crossing and infrastructure will be investigated, approved and constructed between the Iona Island sewage treatment plant on the mainland and Gabriola Island adjacent to Vancouver Island.  Of course, an additional bridge (already rejected in a 2016 cost-benefit analysis commissioned by the BC Government and titled ‘Gabriola Fixed Link Feasibility Study’) would be required to get folks the rest of the way from Gabriola to the Nanaimo ultimate destination on Vancouver Island.

To co-ordinate this herculean task, the BCCP has engaged the services of David Hawkins, a self-proclaimed visionary and conspiracy theory internet radio host who reminds me a little of L. Ron Hubbard, a tongue in cheek delusional science fiction writer who accidentally created the cult of Scientology through his Dianetic musings and his stated belief of a group of outer space beings who populated Earth some 75 million years ago.  But I digress.

David Hawkins (don’t confuse the BCCP consultant David Hawkins with the deceased professor and spiritual teacher Hawkins who worked on the Manhattan Project, helping to develop the atomic bomb unless …) – could it be that David Hawkins (who has been reincarnated and has emerged as the new visionary project co-ordinator for the BCCP, among others)?  Nah, perhaps a bit far-fetched. 😉

Let’s segue back to the current David Hawkins.  Hawkins was the leader of the Reform Party of British Columbia, and described himself thusly on his campaign page when he ran in 2011:

David Hawkins: “Forensic Economist (Sherlock Holmes of the Modern World), has been a passionate and compassionate leader with integrity all of his life – even as a child he showed empathy with all forms of life, even pebbles at the bottom of the stream which he felt didn’t have a view”.

Just think how much empathy Hawkins will be able to show with all of the substantial rocks and boulders spread liberally underneath the Straight of Georgia? The mind boggles.

Part of Hawkins’ campaign page in 2011 also provides the following cogent insight:

  • AUDIT what Bombardier flew for Hiebert Great Escapes and Taliban contract hits

More famously, however, is Hawkins’ contribution to Abel Danger, a (hopefully) tongue in cheek web magazine wherein Hawkins bio indicates his interest in solving most, if not all, of the world’s problems, including but not limited to, ‘waste or fraud by all orders of government including NATO, Norad, the European Union, United Nations, I-Bat tracks the source and application of assets through blind trusts and off-book financial partnerships used – as in the case of Enron – to hide debt, evade taxes, enrich insiders and launder money‘.

Clearly this is a man you want on your side.

And it would be remiss to forget that David Hawkins is (was?) also co-host for AbelDanger, the weekly show on Rumor Mill Radio.  A great listen, no doubt.

John Twigg has clearly seen the benefit of engaging such a luminary to the cause of the BCCP.  And, it appears, John Twigg has had no difficulty convincing the sage and wise directors of the BCCP that the involvement of David Hawkins as project consultant for the BCCP’s flagship introductory policy vision is the smartest thing that the BCCP can do.

If you don’t have the time (or the heart) to read the entire policy statement headed ‘Good Infrastructure: Fourth ferry crossing‘ published on the bcconservative.ca website, I have synopsized some of the highlights:

  • “The plans we have developed would when implemented provide a huge boost to the BC economy and greatly improve the lives of literally millions of people” said John Twigg.  Translation?:  Huge wheelbarrow full of taxpayer money will be wasted on a pie in the sky fantasy perpetrated by someone who lives close by and would benefit from a quick trip to the mainland, now and again.
  • ‘Twigg explained that the concept involves building a simple and cost-effective bridge from Vancouver Island to Gabriola Island at one of the two or three sites near Mudge Island that were studied last year and found to be viable by the provincial Ministry of Transportation and Infrastructure’. Fact Check:  the Gabriola Fixed Link Feasibility Study referenced at the bottom of the policy announcement actually shows that the bridge project is not feasible.  (But who reads this stuff, anyway?)
  • ‘A newly designed dedicated ferry or two (why not three, just for the heck of it?) would run, possibly 24/7 – from Silva Bay to a yet-to-be-built dock west of Vancouver International Airport possibly at a site adapted onto the end of one of two existing jetties from nearby Iona Island (which also is the location for Metro Vancouver’s Iona wastewater/sewage treatment plant’ … now, there is a savvy tourist attraction opportunity adjunct to the project.  Think about all of those tourists enjoying the sight (and smell) of Vancouver’s sewer system output as they wait for their holiday access to Gabriola and Vancouver Island.
  • “While one might assume it would be best and easiest to simply extend the existing SkyTrain line to the new Iona Island ferry terminal, in fact this new route would provide a good opportunity for entrepreneurial technologists to design a new and even better form of rapid transportation that could be readily demonstrated to potential buyers from around the world.” said Twigg … blah blah blah.   Translation?  It is time to send out RFP’s to attempt to reinvent the wheel, spending untold millions of dollars in duplicated R & D costs and associated technological improbabilities.
  • ‘.. include an elevated trackway that could carry large-capacity passenger compartments on compressed-air tracks using energy captured from the sewage treatment plant.  See www.eazeway.org’.  Translation?  Shoot people across Georgia Straight in pods powered by ‘technological farts‘ generated by the tourist attraction sewage treatment plant.  Sheer genius.
  • blah, blah, blah ..’said Twigg, citing EAZEway consultant David Hawkins’ suggestion that the proposed transit line could also involve injecting oxygen into the sewage plant’s effluent to minimize its harmful affects (sic) on fish.’  (Twigg’s misuse of ‘affects’, not mine.)  Translation?  Add some oxygen to the technological sewage farts and direct this quality enhanced gas as brain food for the deprived fish who would clearly benefit from, and have their sorry lives enhanced by, this humanitarian altruistic gesture.  Hear, hear, John and David, hear hear.
  • blah, blah, blah ..’invite many excellent video developers in Vancouver to propose plans for “virtual prototyping” which could involve building scale models of the various components and making videos of them for circulation to engineering and construction firms and other project design teams around the world who would use the video to develop practical plans‘ blah, blah, blah  Translation?  Let video developers and film nerds develop complex models based on engineering and design expertise of which they have – absolutely none, then let them take pictures and video of their creations to send to corporations and individuals who actually know what they are doing.  Sheer brilliance.
  • We could go on ad nauseam but I think you might be getting the picture.  All right, just one more for you.  ‘blah, blah, blah …’an elevated causeway (made of reinforced steel and other manufactured alloys similar to those used in oil-industry drilling platforms, as referenced in before blah, blah, blah,) would be better environmentally than the rock-fill causeways now used at Tswwassen and Roberts Bank‘.  Translation?  Mother Gaea and the Supreme Being cannot make more environmentally friendly rock than can the collective might and brain power of the BCCP and its friends and associates by using technology developed in the nasty and dirty petroleum industry.  Wow.  I’m speechless.

Well played, BC Conservative Party, well played.  Thank you for injecting some levity into the depressing reality of a provincial political campaign.

I look forward, with great anticipation, to your forthcoming sage and fantastical visions of what BC might become – if you and your minions would find some way to alter reality and elect some candidates to the serious responsibility of government.

There are, according to my scorecard, at least a couple of dozen more policy pronouncements forthcoming.  Please, don’t keep us in suspense any longer than you must.

By the way, John, Corbin and Bob, have you let the rest of the Board of Directors, the innocent, fresh-faced candidates and the BCCP membership (who are footing the bill for these flights of fancy) in on the monumental joke that you are perpetrating on the voters of BC (and possibly the most gullible of the Media Party?)

You could not be doing a better job of ensuring the successful re-election of the BC Liberals and the NDP if you tried.

But then again, let’s be serious for a moment.  You are trying, aren’t you?

C’mon, boys, let us in on the joke.